Original author: @therosieum
Original translation: zhouzhou, BlockBeats
Editors note: This article describes 10 common types of cryptocurrency venture capital in a satirical way, namely those VCs who seem to be supportive but are actually only interested in profit. For example, they emphasize long-term holding on the surface, but sell when the market falls; or recover investment through marketing companies or even force project teams to operate according to their requirements. The article emphasizes that real investors should have technical capabilities, understand the project vision, and provide value beyond capital.
The following is the original content (for easier reading and understanding, the original content has been reorganized):
We’ve all dealt with VCs in this industry. Some are great, but most aren’t. Here’s a guide to identifying them in the wild and avoiding them before they’re too late.
Disclaimer: This post is satire. Maybe. If you’re offended, you’re probably in category 1-9. No VCs were harmed in the writing of this post.
1. VCs who say “We don’t support airdrops”
They will preach about building “real value” but the minute they unlock their quota they will immediately dump their tokens. What they are really saying is: “We don’t support your airdrop, but we’re happy to collect ours.” These people will lecture you about token economics while their portfolios are down 80%. The first rule of VC Dump Club is: you can’t talk about VC Dump Club.
2. VCs who ask “Please work with my marketing company”
They invested $500,000 and now want to recoup that money by forcing you to hire their cousins’ marketing firm for $600,000. This marketing firm only has three clients: you and the other two portfolio companies of this VC. Their marketing strategy? Paid tweets from influencers who bought the same JPEG.
3. VC driven by investment theory
They haven’t updated their investment thesis since 2021. Still talking about “Web3 social” and “metaverse infrastructure”, but secretly searching “what is TEE technology” under the table while you’re doing your presentation. However, now if the project description mentions “AI”, they will definitely invest.
4. Founder-friendly “ghost” VCs
They spend three weeks learning more about your project, asking you to fill out 17 forms, introducing you to their entire team, and then disappear when it’s time to wire money. Six months later, they’ll be on Twitter congratulating you on raising money from someone else.
5. “I used to work at [insert traditional financial company]” VC
Joined crypto in 2022, but won’t let you forget they used to work at Goldman Sachs. May be active on crypto Twitter now, but still live through their LinkedIn experience. The only value they can provide is “professional email templates” and “shareholder table best practices”. Never used a hardware wallet and still ask what mining fees are.
6. “I need a response within 24 hours” FOMO VC
Completely ignore your proposal for months until they see another VC tweeting about your space. Suddenly, they show up in your DMs, asking for an “urgent call.” Offer terrible terms with an explosive 24-hour deadline. If you accept, they still delay sending the documents for three weeks.
7. We are long-term holders paper hand
They watched a Cathie Wood interview on CNBC where she said Bitcoin will be $1.5 million by 2030 — now they keep repeating that they are “long term holders” and “aligned with the founders’ 5-year vision.” But when they see a 30% drop, they panic sell and blame you for uncontrollable “market conditions.” Even then, they still demand their board seat.
8. Thought leaders who do nothing
50k followers, all gained by retweeting other people’s opinions. Their top tweet is about “founder culture”, even though they have never actually created anything. They will make proposals such as “provide advice on your project in exchange for 2% of tokens”. Their suggestions are usually: “Have you tried to get anonymous Twitter celebrities to talk about it?”
9. “We don’t usually invest at this early stage” VC
They will act like they are doing you a favor, helping you with a seed round, then demand Series B treatment. You will be asked to provide daily updates, board control, and direct access to the development team. They will message you at 11pm on Sunday night and ask, Quick question - when can I buy a Lamborghini?
10. Understand the real builders of the industry
They ask the right technical questions, have been through multiple cycles, wont waste your time, and provide more value than just capital. They understand your vision because theyve been in the industry themselves.
They’re like unicorns – you might think they don’t exist, but when you find one, you’ll never go back to other types of investors.
Don’t compromise on who to invest in your project. The right partners can determine your success, not “We decided to transform in six months to make an AI-driven Web3 social layer for DeFi users”.
